Claustrophobic

I don't think it's doing me any good here. Me or anybody else. It's kind of ironic, though, that the worst thing I ever did, on papers or this blog for so long but at least writing was the one thing I don't regret, at all. I carry a notebook with me wherever I go for most of the time, and write down the key parts of my life. When I get home, I sit back and think whether it's appropriate to write such things or not as I do notice this page is technically public. Sometimes I go straight forward, sometimes sarcastic, sometimes total plastic, it depends on how my brain is thinking at the moment. Sometimes I write things that don't even close to what I feel, but thinking about people might misunderstood my posts, so I just write down what's good to know and hide what's not. Being plastic on my own blog? I'm not. I just don't let-it-all-out with hope those little posts I share able to mean a lot to other people at the same time; it gives people hopes and a reason to smile. (I guess??) And that's why I do what I do. I blog since 2008 and actually I made this up because I'm tired of playing HTML on only MySpace, so I started to Xanga. Turned out Xanga got me twisted so I tried Blogspot and I stand here until today, even the latest Tumblr seems no-fun to me so far. I seriously hate writing at first. I blogged like shit for years, because writing wasn't my point I blogged (what the fak) but now, I don't know. I think I might just, accidentally fell for writing? Photography? Not anymore, I guess?? (: So let's just say, I might stay with this blog for the time being eh. I have no idea what's next for me but I'm pretty sure Girl On The Move is still moving-- in silence. (poyo, poyo)

In the meantime, as long as I'm here, I figure what the hell, I'll take a look back at everything. I will write it all down, which is really the only way I can release everything that I wanted to spurt out. I have no other choice, because as you may or not know, in all the things I've done in the past, there is one particular thing I haven't done. *kening kening* I don't clubs. I don't drink. (and yada yada yada) Talking about clubs. Me and the girls had this conversation back then in  2nd Semester. Planning to hit one when we reached our 5th Semester. (I know it sounds lame, but WHO CARES!) But honestly, I do feel like trying but at the same time, I don't want to spoil my record. :( This is one of my dilemmas at the moment. Stay tuned for the rest.  So, that's the whole story in itself, of course. This thing that has kept me silent for all these years. Locked up here inside me ever since that day. I cannot let go of it, and so I cannot deny. You can label me jakun but honestly, I did stayed up and went overnight with Munki, sitting in front of clubs, watching people and all. I just want to see those people, and make some observation for myself. It's not that I haven't seen one but I really wanna know what's in there and all. But yeah, I don't want to spoil my record! Dammit.

Oh oh there was one said, "Hey when you talk, you speak Malay. In blog, you write in English. Ssup man?!" Heh. I can write (so so lah), but I can't speak. When I speak, it sounds weird. It's like I got my tongue twisted or something. But when I speak Hokkien, people ternganga (: *show off* But I'm still learning. Don't speak Hokkien with me. Sepatah haram aku tak faham nanti. HAHA!

Here, though on this blog, it can be like we're sitting together at a cafe somewhere, just you and me, having a talk. Or me rather talking and you listening. I've noticed how most people don't know how to listen. Believe me. Most of the time they're just waiting for the other person to shut up so that they can start talking again. But you.. hell, you are just good a listener. You're sitting there, hanging on every word I write. When I get the bad parts, you stay with me and you let me get it out. You don't judge me right off the bat. I'm not saying you're going to forgive everything. But at least you'll be willing to hear me out, and in the end try to understand me. That's all I can ask, right? I can't slap you from this monitor if you fuck every word I write. But hey, thanks for reading, no matter what your intention is. Bad or nice. You're still reading, and stalking. Seriously, I'm happy to have you around. Thank you (:

I had this one thought, if you can scroll back, I used to say that I want to talk about my 5 years in High school, right? (Refer Here) But the problem is, where do I begin? If I go to the sob story, it will feel like I'm already trying to excuse everything I did. But if I go to the hardcore stuffs first, you will think I'm sort of friggin' bitch. You'll write me off before I get the chance to make my case. Better not to start at all, I supposed. Because I think I am way better now than what I was before. Starting college-life was a new chapter after all. 

So maybe I'll kind of skip around, if you don't mind. How it all came together in that one summer, how I met him-her-or-them, how do I get rid off you and the feelings, how I got myself heading down the wrong road, or how I became the person I don't want to be but maybe you will look at that and decide that I didn't have much choice, really. Truthfully, I kinda miss having a boyfriend, or regret about something something; but not for so long. The feelings gone in a single snap, just like the way it came. This is why I don't want to jump into any commitment for now. I'm just not ready for it, and surely haven't found anyone that I can do right with. But still, I hope I will find someone that I can rely on and get into a serious one with. You see, I'm getting old. (OMG don't mention it) But yeah, for now I wanna do what I want, go for what I aim for, and create  memories? I don't want this blog filled only with fairytales. I want stories! I want the extraordinary! Something worth to remember. Photos that can be used for zillion times. (Basically, lovie-dovie photographs must be extinguished when "the thing" ends) Something that you can't feel when you're in commitment. 'Cuz you know, when bercinta, he makes the reality better than fantasies, and blind these two eyes cinta itu buta kan. But please excuse the sorrow, emoish posts. I won't deny if for sometimes, flashbacks come and haunt me and yada yada yada. It's me, human. I have feelings yo. Memories to remember. Plus, Imma girl. Mind that. :p I love writing about feelings, and people love to read those stuffs. (Like what I am doing right now) I love the readers, but I have no idea about the readers -,- Peace no war.

Eventhough I want to write this and that, stories, adventures, blah blah blah but I won't deny if there will be some sparks fly after this, or butterflies in tummy and post panjang panjang pasal cinta yang buta because I believe we may have our heart broken several times before we find the right him or her, or another wrong him or her. But that won't matter when you find someone who is willing to put our fragmented pieces back together again. I don't know what future brings but I am pretty sure, about, err, hmm, now? Heh. I'm happy for having this blog. (I LOVE YUH MOA DEAR BOOGIE BLOGGIE) I don't care if you want to read or not (by this part, Fit tengah mengeluh panjang) but I do enjoy this free-writing hobby rather than sit and do "Modern Issues" or "Journalism". Trust me, I hate those two subjects. But I just swallow it in. Nasib lecturer handsome **kening-kening.

But yeah, technically he's married and almost reach his 45 (kot) or 50? So, don't worry. I'm not a man stealer. Oh my, talking about age, I almost reach my 20. Oh shit, two-oh!! DAMN, I'M OLD!! I hate it when makcik-makcik asking how old am I, it feels like someone's pealing off my skin, little by little or stabbing my chest, again and again. But my Mom would simply answer, "Oh, DUA PULUH dah tahun ni kan, Kak?" (dengan muka selambe badak).


Mama, you broke my heart.