Nothing's Ever Built to Last

It has been a long, long break. Lately, I go to bed late, but maybe not as late as I was before. I'm just scared. Scared of everything. I've seen a little. But still, I can't go on. I can't go on like this. I'm traumatised. Keeping myself distracted is exhausting. Don't know when it's going to over but I wish, I really wish that I can erase everything-- the memories, the feeling, the ups and downs, completely everything. I may not getting any, not even a bit, even I've ran thousand miles for it.

And this time I rolled out of bed at 12 instead of 9 am. I figured getting up earlier was worth having time to .. I don't know. But yeah, I woke up a bit late today so, yeah maybe I should ignore about it. Having Dude Herlino in my eyes never failed to keep me distracted. Especially when I see him crying, I feel like, dammit I want to be there for you!! :p (Gosh, Illy. bawa mengucap)

Singing like a crazy person, which wasn't so much a mistake, I think? I've been thinking alot, about everyone, everything, every inch of every second, every whatever, I might have a lot of free time to do the flashback, am I? *sigh* I'm so tired. I guess my brain is too active. So blame the brain, 'cuz I ain't hyper okay Chico :p

Honestly, I glanced over my notebook, searching for the right words to describe what I'm dealing with. And yeah, found it!

"Nothing's ever built to last"

It's really sickening when I have to remind myself about having and loosing. My ego puts me higher than what I am supposed to be. People might enjoyed the jokes, the laughs, the smiles and the warmness that I brought. --correct me if I'm wrong. Well, I enjoy watching my friends happy, giggling, or smiling. They are my treasure. I may be cynical for most of the time, but that's the way I'm showing off my love and grattitudes. I'm sorry if it hurts you, my friends. 'Cuz I ain't a fake. Being nice and all-that-innocent, that's fake. I try to keep things on track, but nothing I didn't already know stuck anyway. Seems that's just the way of things.

I'm afraid of loosing. Yes, I am. I may say "bye" alot, but I didn't really meant it. It hurts when I said it, but it even more hurts if I didn't. So, I'm glad I did. But flashback keep tracks me down whenever I'm all alone. New hopes, is the only thing I have in hands, to keep me moving on from the past. But still, I'm scared. I'm too scared if the new hopes aren't the hopes that I should hope for. I'm a girl with hopes. Full of hopes. But I always get the false ones. I enjoy watching people. Learn from others. Motivate myself. But when the time comes, Imma total loser with a dumb head. I feel numb and completely breakdown. I convinced others, with full of hopes, do this and do that, for their own good, 'cuz its sad for me to see my friends whenever they're in troubles or having heartbreaks. Seems like, it helped. But I wonder why it's not working on me. Why there's no other human being that can help me, take me out from this misery. I've been in this for a very long time and I'm too tired to scream for helps anymore. I'm dying inside. It's the side effects of moving on. I became heartless.

The highlight of my day probably was when 'Alia gave me a present! Thank you Wifey. Not only do I love presents, but what she got me is absolutely cute! I'm pretty sure I made my little 'hyperventilating' excited sound when I opened it. If you know me, you will understand. It's a white tee from Adelaide! Eeeeeee!!

I feel warm when people keep in touch with me. I feel safe. I feel like I'm having another big big family. Sisters and brothers to rely on. To go through every sweetness and darkness of life. To share things. To laugh with. I just need those people to make my day, to keep me stronger from what I am today, because I want it-- oh cross it, I need it. I need it to live. I can't live with a hole inside me. It hurts like it's going to bleed again. The wounds, never leave me. I guess, I can't be cured. No matter what I do, where I go, how much I want to, it's still there. Bleeding.

I speak nonsense. I do things without thinking. I speak my mind, but I never mind what I speak. I talk crap nowadays. I love story telling. I close my eyes. I see none. I'm holding on false hopes, hoping oneday it would changed. I lost my mind. Feel free to say it straight to my face. Because probably I'll be glad to hear it, with a sincere smile on my face. Eventhough my heart isn't. I gotta a lot in me, gotta get it out. Can you hear it? Its so much more than just a sound. I'm beginning to imagine, as well as beginning to believe. Call me dramatic. I'm living in my fantasy. If I could fit the world in my pocket. Take my hidden dreams and unlock. I'd be flying in one rocket, without doubts and worries. Leaving all nightmares behind. It's my dream and no one can stop it.

I'm going mad. Yes, I am.