January 10, 2012

I hope it's not too late to wish y'all HAPPY NEW YEAR, everybody! Well, better late than never ayy? New year's resolution might be a little bit hard for me to make one. Having my bucket of goals well, still the same bucket actually. Some seeds take quite some times to grow kan. I wanna be a fucking jedi! Fucking jedi!! #tetibe

I wish. (Tak salah kan nak jadi Jedi)

If only you realize this, mothafuckers. Growing up, we all had dreams. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a psychiatrist, but found that’s hard to do or worst, people would gone jump off the building for having me as their doctor. (My late aunt told me that) Still here, prolly because I belong here, with my life, and these gorgeous people I love so much aside. Life doesn't always turn out exactly how you plan it. Sometimes, it turns out better.

I wish I can hold to that a little much longer.

It’s been hard for me lately, to accept things, to lose things, to adapt, to consider, and to leave. Eventhough I’m full with all this nice shits but still, people tend to forget. So am I. Sometimes, I wish I can remember to be thankful for everything I have. But still, sometimes we just can’t accept for what happened. I tried my best to write everything down, to let it all out, but I swear I don’t know how to put it in the nicest way. The words just jumbled inside my mind, not knowing which one I could use, or where to begin with.

I’m afraid of my weight. I’m afraid of my physical. I’m afraid of being ugly. I’m afraid of my events. I’m afraid of my exams. I’m afraid of going abroad. I’m afraid of making mistake. I’m afraid to lose. I’m afraid to be rejected. I’m afraid of relationships. I’m afraid of marriage. I’m afraid of having kids. I’m afraid of being a daughter. I’m afraid of being a wife and a mother. I’m afraid of getting divorce. I’m afraid of being a friend. I’m afraid of being someone else’s. I’m afraid of death. I’m afraid of the end of the world. I’m afraid of afterlife. I’m afraid of my own grave. I’m afraid of Allah SWT. I’m afraid of my future. I’m afraid of being a failure.

As you said earlier, TOGETHERNESS. What does it means anyway. I feel like I’m losing something. Something I don’t even know. My confidence is fading, day by day. No matter how hard these beautiful people trying to convince me. I guess, it’s not about togetherness with others, but with your own self. Bet I didn’t well bonded with myself. It hurts to have all this mess inside me. I can’t go through even a day without a tear. Sometimes I wish I never existed. Sometimes I wish I can take it all away from home.

Oh wait, I wish I had one, a place to call home. Sometimes I feel like I need some, treatments. Am I sick? Or fucking sickening? You know, like those drug-addicts. They're laughing one minute, and then they're crying the next, and then they're trying to kill themselves in the bathroom for no good reason.

Damn, I have mental issues. -.-